deep breaths

 

this Christmas season I have been totally struggling with squeezing in all that I want to while balancing our full house with a new baby on board to boot. There seems to be something constantly vi-ing for my attention at all times. Piles of dishes and laundry. Yesterday morning my boys took every.last.stitch of clothing out of their dresser AND all their books AND all the games and made a giant pile in between their beds so that when they tried to leap one side to the other side, if they fell they wouldn't hurt themselves. Made complete sense to them and they were even calling it a "party" and not letting me and the mr. in. Chris and I were having our own little discussion of sorts, some might call it a fight - and truth be told I was sweating so it probably was sort of a fight but we were trying to keep it low so as not to alarm the children. We let them do whatever they were doing in there room for a bit while we used the time to work out our disagreement. When we finally got around to checking on them the damage was done. 

and boy was it

it literally took us two and a half hours as a family to put the entire thing back together. Lots of tears were had, toys thrown away and their dresser reorganize which I suppose was a silver lining but not the way I had planned to tackle that job. It was super frustrating and woven throughout the morning were long stretches of baby bawling and begging Josie to take her pacifier so that we could finish up. When it was over and Chris was loading the kids into the car to do some errands it was already after two. He leaned down and gave me a kiss but it was a reserved kiss and he mumbled something about how he hadn't brushed his teeth yet. I totally started laughing and confessed that neither had I.

This is such a full season with our family that I desperately want to bottle up and save. It just goes so fast, so fast and the constant expectations that I have layered on top for myself are making it so hard to relax and savor. I am bustling around, literally shedding tears over how stressful it is to do Christmas shopping with three. Longing for a long nap because the sleepless nights are starting to really take there toll. 

I know I need to slow down, but I don't want to. I want to be super mom, I should be super mom. Other mom's are doing it all, perfect decorations, clean kitchens, plates of Christmas cookies..I can't even find anything to wear except for an over sized sweatshirt with spit up all over it...

but then somehow in that one tiny stolen moment of peace that I find, Jesus reaches down and touches my heart. He reminds me of his love for me and how he came to earth so softly, gently and quietly in a stable that was not perfectly decorated with lavish gifts to welcome him, no just the love of a mother and father. That is all I want to give to my children this year. If that is all I can muster than I will give them my quiet, patient presence and love. thank you Jesus for giving that to me.

this is my favorite new song of the season, I could listen to Audrey Assad all day long sing this gorgeous lullaby - it resets me and reminds me of the reason for Christmas.